Reflections from an old codger

Harry Brocksieck writes his reflections from an old codger:

"One of the advantages of being an old codger is that when Lent comes around I can skip the usual ‘disciplines’ of Lent. I don’t need to give up Coke, for instance, since I gave that up a decade or two ago and never got back to it. I have given up second helpings of food, chocolate for the season, deserts in a like manner but they don’t satisfy the Spirit’s criteria for me at Lent. A couple of years ago I had to give up my pride and write some reflections on various things but it wasn’t enough to have to write them I had to actually share them. That seemed to be where the Spirit has led me again this Lent season. So I have to dig into my personality and ‘discipline’ my ‘self‘ to use this Lent season to develop a character that is more like Jesus.

Since I am writing to be obedient no response is necessary or expected.

The area for this old codger to work on this year is how holiness impacts my self-defense mechanisms.

I (we) came by my self-defense mechanisms honestly as a child as my ego constructed attempts to deal with instincts whose gratification would be dangerous or painful for one reason or another – like the belt in my step-dad’s hands or the hurt look in my mother’s eyes. When a forbidden urge for gratification sought expression, anxiety appeared and anxiety became painful. To avoid the belt or the anxiety that came before it I avoided the gratification but the desire was still there. Like the cookie my mother baked for the Home League meeting – I wanted the cookie, I deserved the cookie (she was my mother) but the next time I wanted the cookie I had the memory of the belt for taking the cookie. Another example was at puberty when my God created self started thinking about gender differences. That raised some anxiety – and still can. Over time as a child I probably developed all 10-12 self-defense mechanisms that Brother Freud discovered. There are a few mechanisms that are used more than others but I bet that I have them all. Sometimes it is not easy to draw a clear distinction between them since some are very similar except for minor differences. Sometimes I use several under the assumption that ‘the more the merrier.’ These mechanisms are mostly in my sub-conscious so I am not very conscious of them but if I look, under the direction of the Spirit, I might be able to find the results of the mechanism and therefore look for the mechanism and deal with it.

Probably my all time favorite self-defense mechanism is denial. The things that I find painful or unpleasant - I can just deny that they are there. I learned this when I was a child when my mean sisters would not play with me or wanted to play something I didn’t want to play like sweeping the floor, feeding the chickens or taking out the garbage. So I developed an alternate reality. This was healthy since in the world of children there are so many things unknown and potentially dangerous and denial helps master some of the anxieties that would otherwise have overwhelmed me. But as I grew older, living in my own world of make-believe and fantasy while I deny reality is less productive and can be dangerous. Mind you, this is not my normal conscious process of deliberate prevarication.

So how does holiness impact the self-defense mechanism of denial? There are at least 3 areas in which the Spirit’s impact can be experienced. 1) Past experiences where we had no control, 2) Past experiences for which we are responsible and 3) current situations that are encountered.

Past experiences where we had no control like dysfunctional family situations, parents who had their own hang ups, girls and boys who were abused and misused – sexually, physically and emotionally - unfortunate family experiences, unhappy school experiences, name calling as children – fatty, dummy, etc.

How we have responded to these past experiences runs the gambit of adult behaviors – we may have low self-esteem and be overly shy and retiring; we may feel the need to continually brag about ourselves, incessant talking, unreasonableness (to ourselves and others), meanness, work alcoholics, etc. Studies show that the vast majority of parents who were abused also abuse their children. We may not even be aware of past experiences over which we had no control showing up in our current behavior. We will want even sub-conscious experiences from our past to be freed so that we are able to be who God wants us to be today.

When we enter the experience of holiness and beyond we have the resources to more adequately deal with these past experiences. The sinful nature that fed those negative experiences in our personalities is now gone. The Holy Spirit now has more control of us. The Spirit will now help us explore healing in these areas. The fruit of the spirit, peace, is the focus of the work of the Spirit in this area of denial. Peace will come as we explore, heal, learn and move into the marvelous freedom from the negative past that was of no fault to ours.

A personal example: My biological father left my mother and 4 small children when I was 3. Later contact with him was that he was distant, not interested in any aspects of our lives. My mother then married a man who would take care of her and 4 children but he was not a good father and he earned my hatred. This was not a situation for which I was responsible. So when I was to pray, relate, and experience a Heavenly Father it was difficult to do. When I had trouble with relating to the Father the Spirit helped me go back and review my relationship with my step-dad. I had to work through who he was, his background, why he was the way he was and work at building a relationship. Over time I was able to forgive him and remove this hindrance from my life. My biological father committed suicide in the county jail before the Spirit could help me through this.

The second area of denial the Spirit will help us with are the past experiences for which we are responsible – often sinful experiences, sometimes things we have done as our responsibility for someone one else (like service men and women who may have gone beyond their duty or even in the line-of-duty experiences which can haunt), missed opportunities, unhealthy relationships, etc. Here the Spirit helps us see these experiences the same way God does. This is not forgiveness but understanding with God why these behaviors are unhealthy for us. These experiences are often brought into our consciousness as we escape to these experiences when we are under stress, when life is not as satisfying as we anticipated, when we have a disagreement with our spouses or our supervisors, when we don’t get the appointment or job we feel we have earned, etc. The Spirit spotlights our reliance on them so we can deal with them as God would deal with them. We may experience shame or remorse (for having behaved in this way or that we have to give up these memories) but as the Spirit brings healing we experience the fruit of the Spirit, peace.

The third area of denial the Spirit will help us with is our current situation. Denial comes from difficult experiences that overwhelm us. We may be beyond our skill set, facing illness that dramatically changes our lives, parents who need us or we lose them; friends change, our goals change, rewards don’t have the same source, etc. Our denial response may be to become indifferent, isolated, angry, blaming, disappointed, depressed, or unresponsive to life and its opportunities. Here the Spirit will help us by recreating us, re-inspiring us, helping us to move out and on, giving us the fruit of the Spirit, peace, about life and the future.

King David is our example of denial – he knew what he had done to Bathsheba and Uriah. The prophet Nathan shattered David’s fantasy world of denial. David responded to the Spirit’s help to overcome his self-defense mechanism of denial. The Spirit revealed David’s true situation, David worked with the Spirit through the denial and arrived not only at forgiveness and freedom but peace (Psalm 51).

I am discovering that the more I live in the Spirit the more I dislike denial and enjoy reality.

Resource: Introduction to Psychiatry, O. Spurgeon English, M.D. and Stuart M. Finch, M.D. Pages 53-69

P.S. Many of you have asked how Barbara is since her recent shoulder replacement surgery. She had her two week check up this last Wednesday. The doctor is very pleased with her progress. She is in therapy and making good progress. She thanks you for your prayers and cards. In spite of the comments about how I am caring for her she seems to be prospering. I can now make meatloaf.

Thanks

Blessings

Harry"